Is it me or is Leo DiCaprio looking more and more like Clark Gable these days?

DiCaprio has the outsized swagger and glamour of Old Hollywood. Maybe it’s unfortunate that he’s so “big.” He’s ambitious as an actor, but looking at The Departed or Blood Diamond, his aura overwhelms the character he’s playing. Plus the movies themselves are terrible, but that’s a different story.

I know I know, it’s Scorsese. But The Departed is Fake Irish (FI) crap. So was Mystic River; ditto the new TV show The Black Donnellys.

Fake Irish, or FI, is huge nowadays, everybody wants blather and tribal blood oaths and the ancient clannish something-or-other. Plus hot guy-on-Guinness-action!

But first: What exactly is FI? Well, if a faux-brogue voice-over describes somebody onscreen as ‘tough’ because his father works for the steelworkers union (Black Donnellys), you got yourself some FI. After all, there are no unions in America anymore. Which brings us to a common thread in FI movies and TV – nostalgia!

Another sign of FI? Dialogue like this:

First guy says to second guy:

"You know I gotta do this. It don't matter what you say. I gotta make this right."
(The Black Donnellys).

FI is all about fightin and drinkin and bein tough-yet-tribal-yet-silent-yet-possibly-poetic-underneath.

The lassies dig it.

Heck, these guys might even spout a line of poetry or two in the middle of a brawl.

Cute, those Irishes.

Want Real Irish? Don’t Miss The Leprachaun Watch, right here! Sightings abound…

Now THIS would have dazzled on the Red Carpet…

As several comments have noted, we need more fashion daring at the Oscars. The dress pictured above, on the other hand, is unafraid to say “Someone please help me!”

I am tired of those Grecian yawns everyone had on – you know, tasteful, peachy folds, lime green chiffon and on and on…But the media have jumped on the Joan Rivers (and her minion daughter Melissa) bandwagon. Actresses live in terror of the Worst Dressed Oscar List, so everybody stays in the slow lane, nice and safe. Blah.

Next year I hope Cher gets nominated for Lifetime Achievement or Irving Thalburg award or something.

Ok, Helen Mirren rocks.! Her silvery lace matches her lovley hair. That’s how to do it ladies, young or old. Confidence, mystery, intelligence, and a bit of who-the-fuck-cares.

Sherry Lansing gets the humanitarian award…a long-time Hollywood big-wig, she ran Paramount for 12 years. Tom Crusie introduced her. He scares me.

Gwynyth Paltrow. Cream of tomato is the dress color. Do I like it? Guess so.

I’m in the pool and so far I am tanking with my choices. Pan’s Labyrynth is doing well – I loved the film just di not think it would do so well.

Jennifer Hudson is wearing a Romulan Cloaking Device on he rdress – and it has pockets. Bad gowns happen to good people.

And Cameron Diaz? What’s with her hair? I call it “dumpity Do” cuz didn’t she just break up with Justin Timberlake?

Pan’s Labyrinth is a film for anyone who preferred the older, scarier versions of fairy tales. You know, where Cinderalla’s step-sisters slice their feet up to make the glass slipper fit (and how does the Prince know they’re frauds? Why, the gushing blood of course!) . Or the version where Hansel and Gretel, turned out of their home to starve in the woods, barely escape the old woman’s oven.

Only feral, vaguely menacing woodland creatures and weird insect-fairies properly reflect the bewildering world of this beautiful, disturbing film, which looks at the horrors of fascist Spain in 1944 from a child’s perspective.

The young actress Ivana Baquero plays Ofelia, a little girl whose widowed mother has married a military Captain in Franco’s army. The (pregnant) mother and daughter find themselves re-settled in an abandoned mill converted into an anti-guerrilla outpost, with Ofelia’s new, brutal step-father in charge.

While this is a story about a child, it is not a movie for kids. The film is unsparing in its depiction of violence. An early scene where the Captain suspects two local farmers of subversion will have you squirming. This terrorism informs Ofelia’s dreamworld, filling it with wild, demanding and powerful spirits who she can just barely control. These imaginary bug-sprites, fauns and frog-demons allow her to overlay chaos and powerlessness with her own parallel narrative of heroism and adventure and possible escape. The movie also reveals how limited this defense is.

The best images? A mandrake root that squeels like a baby and which Ofelia uses in a spell to try and ease her mother’s dangerous pregnancy; a faun, stranger than anything this side of Jean Cocteau; the enormous, clicking dragon-fly that seems to follow Ofelia on her travels into the forest. A naked, nightmare figure who sits alone in a vast room, head down, waiting for children (this one will definately show up in my sleep).

See this movie, though I really mean it about the violence. The grave, dreamy Ofelia is wonderful, and its a fascinating exploration of the mysterious ways people re-imagine the world in order to survive it.

Next time on my 99 cents: My Oscar picks n pans (no labyrinths).

Don’t miss live-oscar-blogging from right here in my star-crossed apt on Sunday Feb 25th!

The biggest celebs will once again show for our infamous “99 cent after-party” (choke on that Vanity Fair)! The Shmoos will be here (score!). Even Britney can’t out-bald these…thingie blobs. And once they get drinkin? It’s cell-phone limo shots of panty-less Shmoos all over the tabloids, for sure.

Years ago I saw the film Street of Crocodiles at the Brattle Theater in Cambridge Mass. It has always stayed with me. The short films of The Brothers Quay are difficult to describe. Here’s one attempt:

“Omniscient cyclopean dolls, sentient micromachines, bristly wine forests and a pugilistic plush bunny are among the distressingly tactile treats. Underscoring meticulous attention to detail and rigorous at dedication to form, but also tenderness and oblique whimsy. Simultaneously mournful, antic and imbued with a pleasingly nostalgic loneliness, this megadose of the Quays’ singular vision will haunt your perception for days.”
– Mark Holcomb, Time Out (New York)

Like he said.

I had my waitress uniform on that day, caught the early show before work. In the film every doll, every moist cog and rusted machine on earth came alive, moving and driving itself in a hidden world. A strange doll awakens, sees itself, a thing among things. Street of Crocodiles, and other Quay films, are like dreams that disintegrate when you try to explain them. Only images remain, and feeling.

Sounds weird I know. You just gotta see these movies for yourself…If you’re anywhere near NYC, go to Film Forum FRIDAY, JANUARY 19 – THURSDAY, JANUARY 25 • ONE WEEK

More info here

This being Golden Globes night, thought I’d post a pics of a few great actors – the lovely and brilliant Helen Mirren, who won A Golden Globe as Best Actress tonight for Elizabeth I. I did not love that one; the script focused in on Elizabeth’s personal and romantic life as keys to “explain” her. Seemed simplistic (though Mirren was fine). Anyone see it and want to weigh in? But her performance in the final installment of Prime Suspect was fantastic.

The other photo is of two really wonderful actors, Shareeka Epps and Ryan Gosling, stars of Half Nelson. This excellent film focuses on the troubling relationship between a talented young student (Epps) and her idealistic but drug-taking teacher (Gosling) in a Brooklyn school. I dont’ think it was even up for a Golden Globe, but I recommend the movie.

Here’s a nice rundown of the Golden Globe winners from the NY Times.

And my faux proxy-reporting would not be complete without passing on People Mag’s Best and Worst Dressed List!

Re the Golden Globes ceremony: A looonnnggg, yawn-inducing “tribute” by Tom Hanks to Warren Beatty managed to kiss ass without ever expressing what’s important about Beatty’s work. A few clips of Bonnie and Clyde, a glimpse of Splendor in the Grass, but no sense of what was innovative or moving about either film.

Hanks rambled on about Beatty’s age, about his balls, about how old he is, about his…old balls. For that matter, Beatty was no better once he hit the stage. Presumably he’d heard ahead of time the Cecile B DeMille award for lifetime achievement would be bestowed on him. Would a brief comment on the state of cinema be too much to ask? A sharp, funny anecdote? A little Hollywood lefty whoop ass? Somethin? Instead we get old Hollywood yakking into its Moet. Wasted opp!

The Golden Globe Awards are coming up, and soon after that the holiest day in the CelebrityLand calendar – Oscar night – will be upon us.

This can only mean one thing – it’s time to celebrate the worst movies ever made.

I personally enjoyed Maxim mag’s 50 worst-of-all-time movie list, a funny rundown of the awful, the pointless and the inept.

But before we begin, a digression. Maxim’s eclectic editorial content includes offerings such as: Girls, Sports, Games, Sex, Entertainment, Stupid Fun [See 'Entertainment'?], Hotties [see also 'Girls'?], Gear, Shop [see also 'Gear'?], and, well, you get the idea. Loads of pix ‘n fashion. Like Cosmo, I guess, but for boys.

Nonetheless, their bad-movie list is funny, comprehensive, and Patch Adams is # 3.

And here’s Wikipedia’s excellent list of the terrible.

The real connoisseur’s task, though, is picking the Single Worst Movie Ever Made. Could the world ever come together and agree on one movie so risible, so vile, so howlingly implausible that it merits this distinction?

What’s your vote for worst of the worst in the history of the truly bad?

[UPDATE]: re: Marno’s choice of worst of the worst, I remind her of “Star Odyssey” starring Yanti Sommer and Gianni Garko ( a double dose of charisma!). Here’s a tribute page, for a glimpse of badness for the ages.